Category: Communication

Regaining Trust

6/2/2019

Often when I see clients trust is something that has seemed to dissolve in their major relationships. Infidelity is often a major reason trust is broken in relationships but it’s not the only reason. It could be that your spouse made a life changing financial decision without consulting you. Perhaps your best friend stabbed you in the back. It could also be that you took something valuable from a family member, lied to your partner, or broke promises to your kids…. Trust is something that we take for granted but once its lost it takes a lot to get back on track.

If you have broken trust with someone who is valuable to you, what can we do? Below are some tips on things we can do to rebuild trust that may have been damaged:

Start with Honesty: In relationships, it’s vital that we work to tell the truth, even if we know that a lie would be better for us. It would be so easy to bury an inconvenient truth under a lie, but it takes true courage to take ownership. When we come clean, we are starting to show the other person that their well-being is more important than our own. Admit it all – even the stuff that would have been easy to stay hidden. Again, honesty is key!

Apologize: This seems almost obvious but it’s vital to say those two words: I’m sorry. When we are busy admitting what was done it can get easy to return to defensiveness to justify why it made sense to do it, why your friend/partner is “overreacting”, or even to regret sharing the truth. But apologizing shows the other person not only are you owning what has been done but you also regret what was done and showing regret for the consequences it will have on them.

Allow room to process: If the truth is going to potentially hurt the person you are sharing with, be ready for an emotional reaction. When we are emotional we are not in the best place to congratulate someone for their honesty. Be willing to let them process what they have heard and go through the necessary emotional response before they can begin to understand what was shared. This may take time so be ready to exercise patience and understanding. Responding in anger or frustration will only damage the newly formed base you are building.
Be Transparent: Its easy to say that our business is our own, but while rebuilding trust it’s vital to remember that the other person may, for a time, not believe what is said. I can imagine many of you are cringing at the idea of having to share passwords, account for time spent, or the like but as your friend or partner sees for themselves that the words you are telling them match what is happening, it continues to build the bridge of trust.
Be Patient: Even after processing there are going to be times the person you are working to rebuild trust with will revert and get upset, distrust something you say, or challenge your transparency. This is normal and if you are diligent this will lessen over time. If emotions show again, go back to steps 2 and 3 in apologizing and allowing room for them to process.
Restore Connection: At it’s core, deception and the need for self-preservation is rooted in a feeling of isolation. As mentioned in step 1 we admit truth and rebuild trust by acknowledging the best interests of the person we care about is a higher priority than our own. If our connection to that person has been broken it becomes easy – almost natural – to do what’s in our own best interest rather than continuing to put another person’s interests first. Take time to rebuild your connection and welcome a chance for a new dynamic that opens up a new way of communicating. Therapy with a qualified relationship counselor is a great way to allow for both rebuilding trust and connection. Spend time together, show appreciation, and continue to allow trust to grow again.

Trust is something that takes a moment to lose but could be a lifetime to rebuild…. Take active measures with your relationships to make sure that the latter does not have to be the case.

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