Sibling Disagreements when "Adulting"

The saying goes “You Can’t Pick Your Family”.  Our friends are selected by us based on similarities and common interests.  But the same can’t be true for our siblings.  

There are many reasons we should make it a point to maintain positive relationships with your siblings:

• They’re not going anywhere.  In many cases, if you have a relationship with anyone in your family that means your siblings are not going to be too far away.  If you’re close you are a great example for the next generations. And if you choose to not maintain a relationship, you will be the talk of every family gathering…
• Siblings have a shared history.  Especially when you are all adults, the value of a shared past will be incredibly powerful.  Who else can you talk with about your grandparents, your genealogy, or even the weird tire swing where you knocked out your brother’s tooth?
• They are your earliest (and longest) life lessons.  When we were younger we had to learn to play with each other and share our things. We learned about defending each other and taking the blame when something went wrong.  In its purest form there was genuine love/loyalty.  We have adapted most of our adult interactions based on our sibling relationships.
• They can share your family burden.  In any family, pain will come.  This can be through divorce, failure, or, worse, death.  Your siblings can love, relate, and appreciate the trial alongside you since they are experiencing it as well.  Perhaps you handle it in different ways, but the shared understanding is priceless.

The challenge we will face in adulthood is how to keep applying the sibling principals that were so handy in childhood into our adult relationships.  It becomes so easy to find that you are not similar with your sibling and therefore it’s easier to walk away.  You feel your friends understand you and your sibling doesn’t, so why bother trying

Below are four tips to remind yourself about your siblings:

• Siblings fight!  We have been doing it since childhood.  Expecting it to be different in adulthood is unrealistic.  But just as we had to say we were sorry (even when we weren’t) each of us must step back and weigh the value of a sibling relationship vs. the fight that we are having.  Mom and Dad taught us to forgive and move on… is that a lesson we have carried into adulthood?
• Recognize you are different.  You know the saying “friends are the family you choose”.  Well, family is an even more amazing gift because it teaches you to get along/love in spite of not choosing them.  Recognizing – and appreciating – the differences and embracing it for the value it gave you (and can give you again) will enrich your life in ways you wouldn’t be able to do on your own.
• Weigh the pros and cons.  If you find yourself in a long time feud with your sibling decide if it’s acceptable to allow it to continue.  We need to own the source of our resentments (jealousy, anger, betrayal) and weigh it against the value of your sibling relationship.  Would you be willing to let a lifetime of memories, a treasure trove of history, and a shared experience be lost over a disagreement?
• Let it Go.  Just as children we may not have meant it when we said “sorry” it could very well be that as adults one (or both) of you are not sorry.  But if you are willing to let the past go, you must personally be ready to let go of your part of the disagreement, even if your sibling is not yet prepared to do so.  Take effort to move your energy away from remembering how your sibling wronged you and refocus on how you both are connected.  Force yourself to be reminded of what connects you.

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Your sibling relationships are some of the most authentic relationships you will have in your entire life.  They have known you in several stages in life and can continue to be an impact in your future.  If there is a hope for a future relationship and a willingness to let it go, that’s a start!  And if you are ready but unsure of where to start, find a therapist or counselor who can work with you on this journey.