Loving Too Hard? How Over-Nurturing Can Undermine Your Partner’s Growth
It starts off lovingly enough. You’re the organized one. The one who knows where everything is, remembers birthdays, initiates hard conversations, and reminds your partner to grab their keys - again. You’re nurturing, helpful, responsible. But somewhere along the line, something shifts.
You're no longer just being supportive - you're functioning for two people. You're carrying the mental load, managing logistics, and maybe even telling your partner when to start getting ready or reminding them to follow through on what they said they’d do. It looks like care, and it probably started that way. But over time, that care can morph into a quiet imbalance. And in many relationships, it leads to something that’s harder to name: infantilization.
When Helping Becomes Over-Functioning
From a relational and systems-based lens, relationships are co-created loops. What one partner does affects how the other partner shows up. Often, these patterns begin with the best of intentions. Maybe your partner was going through a stressful season, so you stepped in to help. Maybe you're naturally more detail-oriented, so it made sense for you to take on more.
But when these roles become ingrained - when one person routinely over-functions - the relationship adjusts accordingly. One partner becomes “the responsible one,” and the other drifts into learned helplessness. Not out of laziness, but because the system has adapted that way.
As therapist and author Harriet Lerner notes, "When one person is over-functioning, the other will under-function. It’s a law of relationships." (Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy, 1989). That under-functioning can look like forgetting, flakiness, or disengagement. But it's often less about character and more about roles.
How Over-Functioning Connects to Anxiety
So why does one partner start over-functioning in the first place?
It’s easy to say it’s out of love - and that’s often true. But beneath the surface, over-functioning is frequently driven by anxiety. Not always anxiety about your partner themselves, but anxiety about what could go wrong if you don’t step in.
Maybe you’re anxious about lateness, disorder, or conflict. Maybe you’re afraid that if you stop managing everything, something important will be forgotten - or that your partner will become frustrated with you for not reminding them. So you take over. Just this once. And then again. And again.
Over time, that anxious loop solidifies. What was once help becomes habit. The more you manage, the less your partner has to. The system looks functional, but the balance is off. Now it’s caregiving disguised as control.
And here’s the paradox: the more one partner takes over, the more the other partner regresses. They stop tracking tasks because you’ll remember. They stop initiating because you always do. What was once an adult-to-adult connection starts to resemble a parent-child dynamic - an infantilizing pattern where one partner’s growth gets stunted in the name of being taken care of.
What Infantilization Looks Like in Everyday Life
You might not even notice it at first. It’s the partner who stops doing their share of the cleaning because they know you’ll eventually get frustrated and do it. It’s the one who chronically runs late, relying on you to keep track of the time. It’s the partner who “forgets” appointments, bill due dates, or what you just asked them to handle.
In all of these examples, the behavior might look passive - but it’s reinforced by a system where one partner has taken on more than their share.
And when this continues unchecked, it creates resentment, disconnection, and eventually, burnout. The over-functioning partner feels lonely and exhausted. The under-functioning partner may feel criticized, dismissed, or infantilized. Both feel misunderstood.
Trusting Your Partner Is Part of the Cure
If anxiety is the root of the pattern, then learning to tolerate that anxiety - rather than manage it through control - is part of the path forward. That often means choosing to trust your partner, even when it’s uncomfortable. It means getting curious about what you’re afraid will happen if you step back, and talking openly about how the dynamic has evolved. It’s about communicating what we need them to do so the trust can increase and the anxiety can lessen.
It also means practicing vulnerability. Letting go just enough to allow your partner to step in, even if they do things differently - or imperfectly. It’s not about abandoning responsibility, but about recalibrating the system so both partners can grow.
In family systems theory, we say the goal is to distribute responsibility and increase differentiation - meaning both people maintain their autonomy and stay emotionally connected (Bowen, 1978). That takes work. But with practice, couples can shift from parent-child dynamics to something healthier: two capable adults who are interdependent, not co-dependent.
Reflection Questions
If any of this is sounding familiar to you, ask yourself these questions. This can offer some insight on what has been going on and, just as important, provide some context on what you both can do to move your relationship forward.
In what areas of my relationship am I over-functioning?
What discomfort or anxiety drives me to take over?
How might I lovingly let go of one thing this week?
What conversation do we need to have about balance, trust, or responsibility?
Want support navigating relationship dynamics like these? Whether you’re looking for therapy or coaching, I can help you build patterns that promote growth, connection, and lasting change.
For those who enjoy digging deeper into the theory behind relationship dynamics, here are a few of the foundational voices behind this lens.
References:
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
Lerner, H. (2005). The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. Harper Perennial.
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. Brunner/Mazel.