Beyond Labels: Understanding Attachment Styles Through a Social Construction Lens
If you've ever taken an online quiz and found out you're “anxious,” “avoidant,” or “disorganized,” you're in good company. Attachment theory has made its way into dating apps, TikTok, podcasts, and dinner table conversations. And for good reason! It offers a framework to understand why we crave connection, why we fear it, and how those two needs can sometimes collide.
But while attachment styles give us language, they don’t always give us the full picture.
From a marriage and family therapy lens, and especially through a social constructionist perspective, attachment is not a fixed trait or lifelong label. It's a relational pattern shaped by your history, your culture, your lived experiences, and your current relationships.
Let’s go deeper than the labels.
A Quick Refresher on Attachment Styles
Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who observed how early relationships with caregivers impact our ability to form close bonds later in life. The four primary attachment styles are:
Secure: Comfortable with closeness and independence.
Anxious: Craves intimacy, but often fears abandonment or being “too much.”
Avoidant: Values independence, may struggle with emotional intimacy or vulnerability.
Disorganized: Wants connection but fears it at the same time, often due to trauma or unresolved loss.
In adult relationships, these styles show up in the ways we connect, argue, apologize, and make sense of our partner's needs.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), expanded this work beautifully, reminding us that adult love is also about emotional accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. She refers to this as the ARE ingredients of secure bonds.
What Social Construction Teaches Us About Attachment
Attachment styles don’t live in a vacuum. From a social constructionist perspective, our ways of relating aren’t just the result of childhood caregivers. They’re built and reinforced through ongoing relationships, cultural messages, gender roles, trauma exposure, and even the stories we tell ourselves and others.
In other words: your attachment style is shaped in context: in friendships, past relationships, breakups, workplaces, your family’s way of “doing emotions,” and even in therapy.
Your anxious tendencies might not be you, they might be the product of a partner who shut down every time you brought up something hard. Your avoidant style might not be a flaw, it might be a learned adaptation in a relationship where your needs were consistently ignored.
“It’s not just who you are. It’s who you’ve been with.”
Social construction reminds us that our relationship dynamics are co-created. They're not fixed, and they're not permanent. They evolve, just like we do.
Attachment as Dynamic, Not Destiny
Many clients come into therapy thinking of their attachment style like a horoscope: “I’m anxious, he’s avoidant… so we’re doomed, right?”
But attachment isn’t destiny. It’s a dance. It can shift when we feel safe, seen, and supported. It can get rigid under stress or fear. Most importantly, it can be rewired in secure relationships. As Sue Johnson puts it, “The risk of emotional engagement is the pathway to secure bonding.” The more we show up for each other, the more security we create.
You’re not locked into one way of connecting. The story isn’t over.
Spotting Attachment Patterns in Ourselves (and Our Partners)
Start by noticing how you tend to respond when things feel emotionally risky:
Do you reach out, text again, or seek reassurance? (Anxious cues)
Do you shut down, pull away, or change the subject? (Avoidant cues)
Do you alternate between clinging and withdrawing? (Disorganized cues)
In others, attachment patterns show up in:
How they respond to conflict (do they lean in or walk away?)
Their ability to tolerate emotional vulnerability
Their willingness to give and receive care
A partner may not say, “My avoidant attachment is flaring up,” but they might say, “I just need space,” or “I don’t want to talk about feelings all the time.” Understanding what’s underneath those patterns helps us respond with curiosity rather than judgment.
Managing Our Patterns with Compassion, Not Criticism
Here are a few ways to work with (rather than against) your attachment tendencies:
1. Name the Pattern, Not the Person: Instead of “I’m just so needy,” try: “I notice I get anxious when I don’t hear back right away.”
2. Track What Activates You: Is it silence? A shift in tone? A partner being on their phone? These cues often stem from past experiences and deserve unpacking.
3. Practice Co-Regulation: Attachment isn’t just psychological; it’s physiological. Deep breathing, grounding, or simply sitting close can signal safety to the nervous system.
4. Let Go of the Need for a “Perfect” Style: The goal is not to become secure in every moment. The goal is to become more aware, more flexible, and more able to move toward connection even when it’s hard.
Attachment Is a Map, Not a Sentence
There’s something powerful about knowing your attachment style. It can feel like finally having words for something you’ve always sensed. But labels can also limit us if we forget that they’re snapshots, not verdicts.
You are not “too much”
You are not “emotionally unavailable”
You are not “broken”
You are someone shaped by your relationships. And you are capable of reshaping how you connect, love, and repair.
If you’re curious about how your attachment style shows up in your life I’d love to explore that with you. It’s not about fixing who you are. It’s about understanding how you relate and what you truly need.