Navigating Conflicting Truths in Relationships: A Therapist’s Perspective
Facts versus truth.
It's everywhere in the news.... People are lying, the media is fake, we now hear about "alternative facts" and the list goes on.... We see articles, videos, news conferences all telling us things and yet we, as society, can't seem to agree on what we are hearing and seeing! Society can’t seem to agree on what is true!
Our Truth Has Built Over Time
It’s important to understand that our “truth” is not based on something we decided to believe when we woke up today. It has been building, layer upon layer, and cemented in us as we evolved into adulthood. In Systems Theory there is an understanding that each person is an expert of their own lives. Who knows you better than you? The theory further says the experience of everyone is unique only to them: Two kids can grow up in the same house but still have completely different views of the world. We start to see things in different ways and make our values based on our life experiences... seafood is delicious (or not), football is the best sport (or not), we are close to our family (or need space); our list of values – and our truth - builds as time goes by.
Is Your Truth Stopping You?
There is a danger in believing our own truths are absolute. It is not in our being certain of our values but, instead, how our truths may hinder our ability to live with the people around us. But what can we do? Do we have to give up our own truth to accommodate those around us? And what do we do if our values are in direct conflict with someone else?
Truth vs. Values
We can agree to disagree and that could be easy... I love football and my “truth” is that it’s an amazing sport but because it’s a value, I will let you tell me soccer is better. My truth is that I am not a fan of shellfish but I will make it for dinner because you love it... These are my closely held personal values and something we take time to unpack through discussions and, yes, through therapy. But what about the tougher ones? What if one friend is pro-life and the other is pro-choice? What if one believes in gun control but the other defends their second amendment rights? Would you be willing to risk relationships with your friends and loved ones to live in your truth and hold strong to your personal values?
With the age of social media, it's easy to hide behind keyboards and express our beliefs to the world. We can simply tellthose who don't agree with us that they don’t have all the facts. We can insult them, we can call them names, and we are feeling proud, and confident, that our beliefs are on solid ground. Suddenly our values are priceless and its vital that we make our voices heard. We unfollow those who don’t agree with us and only engage with those who are aligned with our values and slowly… we begin to call them our truth. We are in an age where our socializing can be limited to the clicks of a keyboard or the swipes on our phone and this approach can encroach in our personal lives.
But CAN this work in our real lives? Can you call your coworker a name if they don't agree with you and walk away without worrying about them in the future? Can you call your significant other "ignorant" and not worry about consequences? Social media has given us a slippery slope where our anonymity presents an opportunity for a false bravado which can spill into our daily lives, and possibly risk friendships we have managed to hold on to for years.
If you are starting to realize that you are not always right, there ar some things we can start to consider:
Truth is open to interpretation: We each have learned and grown in our own way. The layers that made us have also made our truth and values, and others may not have the same layers. Because of our experiences, two people can read or hear the same thing and interpret it in two completely different ways (classic example is religion).
We all have our own rules to live by: Recognize that what is valuable to you may not hold the same value to someone else. And that’s OK! Variety is what makes people interesting!
What you say on social media should be what you say IRL (in real life): Be accountable for your comments. If you are willing to stand up for something on social media be ready to stand up for it with every person you know. And if you suspect you couldn't use that comment to your loved ones, try and refrain from them online.
Our personal values will never be the personal values of absolutely everyone in your life. Just as your values are somewhat different than your parents it is just as likely that your personal set of values will be different from your partner, your children, and even your best friend. Respecting everyone’s truth is where we can all come together.
If you are looking for guidance on how to navigate this idea, this is where I can help individuals and couples turn awkward conversations into intentional connection. Just reach out and let’s talk!