Respected at Work, Overlooked at Home: Why Rules Don’t Translate
At 9 a.m. your team calls you “boss.” At 9 p.m. your partner asks why you forgot the laundry.
It’s one of the most common frustrations I hear: “I get respect at work, but not at home.” Men bring it up often in session, but women feel it too. In the office, your title, responsibilities, and accomplishments are crystal clear. At home, the “rules” are less defined, and the expectations often feel messier.
So why does respect show up so differently across those two worlds?
Why Work Feels Easier
Workplaces are built on structure and clarity. There’s a chain of command, clear roles, job descriptions, even performance reviews. Organizational psychology research shows that role clarity reduces stress and improves satisfaction. It feels good to know who decides what and how success is measured.
I know this not only from my therapy practice, but from over two decades in commercial real estate. I’ve watched teams thrive when everyone knows their lane, and fall apart when they don’t. Respect often follows structure.
Why Home Feels Harder
Now shift into family life. At home, hierarchy is much less defined. Couples are equals. Children push against boundaries. “Who does what” is often unspoken until someone feels let down.
From a family systems lens, Salvador Minuchin, one of my mentors, showed us that healthy families depend on clear boundaries and functional roles, but not rigid chains of command. Respect at home is negotiated moment by moment, not handed down by title.
Which means the same actions that read as “respect” at work (following the chain of command, deferring to the boss) don’t apply in a marriage. At home, respect looks like listening, sharing power, repairing after conflict, and knowing each other beyond our roles.
The Illusion of Power
Work doesn’t just offer respect, it can offer a sense of power. Titles, corner offices, and direct reports reinforce your importance. For many professionals, that’s energizing.
We’re even seeing this surface in debates about return-to-office mandates. Some leaders have quietly admitted that part of the push is about visibility and influence; about feeling important again. The office can act as a stage where authority is affirmed.
But at home, there is no stage. No applause for deciding what’s for dinner. Power isn’t automatic; it’s negotiated. You can’t command connection or delegate intimacy. If anything, leaning on workplace-style power at home usually creates distance. Families need authority, yes, but balanced with flexibility and closeness.
The Romanticizing of Work
Part of the challenge is that we sometimes romanticize work. It feels safer, more predictable, and more validating. Until it isn’t.
Jobs end. Companies restructure. Contracts get cut. And as I wrote in a previous blog about leaving a job, once you’re gone, you may be remembered fondly for a moment, but the work goes on without you. Respect at work is conditional and often short-lived.
At home, however, the relationship is rooted in commitment. It’s not about at-will contracts or quarterly results. It’s about a promise to tolerate the ups and downs, and to keep showing up even when it’s messy.
A Different Kind of Respect
So when a partner says, “I get respect at work but not at home,” I gently remind them: the two worlds aren’t the same, and they shouldn’t be.
At work, respect comes from hierarchy and sometimes power. At home, respect comes from endurance and connection. It’s less glamorous and less visible, but ultimately deeper and more enduring.
And here’s the invitation: give your partner a break if they’re not living up to the same “standards” you’re used to at the office. You don’t need a chain of command in your living room—you need clarity, patience, and the willingness to repair.
Because in the long run, the respect you get for your role at work may fade. But the respect you nurture in your relationship has the power to last.
Work may respect your title. Home respects your humanity. One is temporary; the other, if tended well, endures.