Do People Only Want Me for What I Do? Anxiety, People Pleasing, and Transactional Thinking

The Hidden Rule People Pleasers Live By

If you have ever caught yourself thinking, “They will only like me if I am helpful” or “I need to offer something or I will not matter,” you are not alone. Many people pleasers live under an invisible rule: your worth equals your usefulness.

This rule often takes root in anxiety, early experiences of conditional acceptance, and a brain that learns to equate relationships with transactions. People pleasers tend to believe they are wanted not for who they are but for what they provide.

Not everyone thinks this way. People who do not operate from a people-pleasing mindset may see relationships as mutual, unconditional, and less performance-based. Understanding this difference is key to breaking free from the exhausting cycle of transactional thinking.

What Does It Mean to Be a People Pleaser?

At its core, people pleasing is the habit of prioritizing others’ needs over your own. It can look like:

• Saying yes when you are already overloaded

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Feeling responsible for everyone’s happiness

• Believing you must be the “helpful one” to belong

Research shows that people pleasing often stems from fear of rejection, abandonment, or conflict (PsychCentral). It is less about generosity and more about anxiety-driven survival strategies.

Anxiety, Survival Mode, and the People Pleasing Mindset

People pleasing is not just about being nice. It is often about survival. When you live in a state of anxiety, your nervous system is constantly scanning for threat. For a people pleaser, the threat is rejection, conflict, or abandonment.

When your brain perceives that risk, it flips into survival mode. Instead of fighting or fleeing, many anxious people lean on a fourth option: fawning. This means appeasing, smoothing things over, or offering something of value so the relationship feels safe (Verywell Mind).

Over time, this creates a cycle that feeds itself:

1. Anxiety rises and signals danger.

2. You people please in order to calm the anxiety.

3. The temporary relief reinforces the belief that pleasing equals safety.

4. The cycle repeats, and the anxiety grows stronger over time.

This is why people pleasing is not just a habit. It becomes a survival strategy that wires itself into your nervous system. You are not weak or broken for falling into this loop. You are doing what your brain believes will keep you safe. The problem is that the strategy eventually backfires, leaving you with even more anxiety and resentment.

Transactional Thinking: When Relationships Feel Like Ledgers

When survival mode is running the show, relationships start to feel transactional. The internal dialogue often sounds like:

• If I give enough, I will be safe.

• If I stop, they will leave me.

• My worth is measured by what I contribute.

This turns relationships into ledgers where you are constantly keeping score on yourself. Did I say the right thing? Did I help enough? Did I prove my value?

The truth is that not all relationships operate on this kind of accounting. Many people do not think this way at all. That brings us to an important contrast.

The People Pleasing Brain vs. the Non-People Pleasing Brain

If you are a people pleaser, your brain is wired to scan for ways to serve, fix, or smooth over. You may believe that everyone else is running the same calculation you are. That is not the case.

A non-people pleasing brain might approach the exact same situation with a completely different set of assumptions. Instead of asking, “What can I do to be wanted?” they may think:

• I want to spend time with this person because I like them.

• I can say no, and it will not ruin the relationship.

• We can disagree, and we are still connected.

This does not mean they care less or are selfish. It means their sense of belonging is not tied to constant performance.

For people pleasers, this can be both confusing and liberating. Confusing because it feels so foreign. Liberating because it means there are other ways to exist in relationships that do not require constant self-sacrifice.

When You Get a Call or Message, Do You Immediately Ask What They Need?

If you are a people pleaser, you might notice that when your phone rings or you get a message, your first thought is: What does this person want from me? rather than Hi, what’s up?

That reaction often comes from living in survival mode. When relationships in your past required you to always be useful or agreeable to earn safety or love, your brain builds a template. The template says: connection equals demand, which equals needing to provide.

So now, when someone reaches out, even if they just want to chat, your brain goes on alert. It starts guessing: Do they want help? Do I owe them something? Should I prepare to fix something?

This pattern is reinforced over time. If people in your life have come to expect you to always be helpful, they may call or reach out knowing you will respond in a particular way. You respond in ways they expect. That becomes the dynamic.

Why this matters:

• You miss opportunities to feel genuine connection, love, and ease.

• You stay in a state of tension, always anticipating needing to give something rather than receiving.

• Anxiety and people pleasing feed each other: the more you believe you must earn connection, the more pressure you feel; the more pressure you feel, the more automatic the assumption that others want something from you becomes.

How to start shifting this template:

1. Notice the thought early. When you pick up the phone, pause and recognize your automatic assumption.

2. Practice alternative assumptions. Consider: Maybe they just want to hear my voice. Maybe they need nothing from me right now.

3. Respond from curiosity rather than utility. Ask: How are you? or What’s on your mind?

4. Experiment with boundary micro-moments. Statements like, I’m happy to talk, though I might be a little tired shift expectations over time.

Resources supporting this include:

• Psychology Today, How People Pleasing Can Affect Relationships (psychologytoday.com)

• Verywell Mind, Fawning: What to Know About the People-Pleasing Trauma Response (verywellmind.com)

• Amen Clinics, 11 Dangers of People Pleasing Behavior (amenclinics.com)

Opening the Door to Other Ways of Thinking

One of the hardest but most freeing realizations for people pleasers is that our way of thinking is not the only way. We may believe that putting others first, anticipating needs, and constantly offering something is the only path to connection.

The reality is that there are many ways to build strong, meaningful relationships. Recognizing this allows us to loosen the grip of transactional thinking. It helps us experiment with new ways of relating that do not always leave us drained.

Next time you notice yourself calculating your worth through what you provide, pause and ask:

• What would a non-people pleasing brain think here?

• Is it possible the relationship can hold even if I do not offer anything right now?

• Am I willing to test another way of being, even if it feels uncomfortable at first?

By practicing these small shifts, you begin to break the cycle where anxiety and people pleasing feed each other. You teach your brain that belonging is possible without constant performing.

Breaking Free: Moving Beyond Transactional Beliefs

The good news is that you can retrain your brain to see worth differently. This is not about swinging to the other extreme where you never help anyone. It is about shifting from transactional worth to intrinsic worth.

Here are a few ways to begin breaking free:

• Name the distortion. When you think, If I say no, they will leave, recognize it as mind reading or catastrophizing. (Harvard Health)

• Experiment with boundaries. Start small by saying no to something low-stakes and notice that the relationship usually survives. (Internal link: Learn more about setting healthy boundaries here.)

• Challenge the transaction. Ask: If I stopped doing, would this person still care about me?

• Build self-worth outside of usefulness. Explore hobbies, rest, or therapy that center on you, not just your output.

• Practice unconditional self-acceptance. Remind yourself: I am enough even when I am not producing, fixing, or pleasing.

A Final Word to People Pleasers

If you have been living under the rule that I must provide to be wanted, here is what I want you to hear: your value is not a transaction. Anxiety may convince you otherwise, but belonging is not earned by constant doing.

You are wanted because of who you are, not just what you offer.

If this post resonated with you, you may already be tired of carrying the weight of transactional relationships. Working with a therapist can help you challenge anxious patterns, set healthier boundaries, and discover a sense of worth that is not tied to people pleasing.

Schedule a session with me to start breaking free from anxiety-driven people pleasing.